5 weeks.

So I am exactly 5 weeks today. Hardly monumental, but still worth recognizing IMO.

The good news is that I still feel pg. My boobs are still pretty tender, I have bouts of tiredness, my hunger seems to be increasing, and I have random cramps every now and then all throughout the day. I seem to be way more crampy this time than I remember being last time, so maybe that's a good thing.

Believe it or not, I never did take a HPT. And I still won't. I did that last time for reassurance about a week before my first u/s and all it did was give me false hope.

I've put in a call to my nurse to see if she'll let me go in tomorrow for another beta, rather than wait for Thursday. I just feel anxious and would like some reassurance that my numbers are going up appropriately.

I've also decided that I don't want a super early u/s. My nurse mentioned last week that we would schedule my first u/s sometime during the week of May 18, which is next week. I will only be 6 weeks then and since I had such a bad experience last time going in early for an u/s, I've decided I'd rather wait until I'm 7 weeks. At least that way we will know for sure if things are going good in there. My reasoning is that a baby's heart doesn't start beating until week 6, and if you go in just a few days early, you can miss it and then you spend an entire week wondering whether or not your baby is viable or not. I've heard of it happening to a few other women, so rather than stress myself out, I'd rather just wait until week 7. That way we will either definitely see a heartbeat, or we won't. And we will know for sure either way. In the meantime, I'm hoping my nurse will let me go in for one last beta draw early next week while I wait for my u/s.

In other news, I did some beta number research over the weekend and despite my dismal reaction last week, I'm starting to wonder if we might have twinkies growing in there. Everything I found put our numbers on target with a twin pregnancy, since my numbers were so high. Of course, beta numbers are not a guarantee, but it still makes me wonder. We would be thrilled either way. Though when I mentioned it to B on Sunday, he started freaking out about the cost of daycare for two. So I had to call my sis to get some numbers. At least that way we have an idea. Just in case.

I am still feeling extremely cautious though. It's just hard to actually get your hopes up once you've been through a m/c. If I was a normal fertile, I might feel different. But getting pg is so damn difficult for us from the start, I can't help but feel afraid that this one will be ripped from us too. Deep breaths.